"I love you," three words I use on a daily basis with my boyfriend. He's an amazing guy; I don't give him enough credit. He puts up with a lot of my crap, and I guess I put up with his, but I think I give him more than he gives me. Regardless, I love him to no end. He's been my best friend and someone I trust.
Now, those words that I use are powerful. But tonight, I was completely dumb-founded when those words were said to me from the least likely person. My father. We had a very tumultuous year. And by tumultuous I mean completely and utterly shitty and unloving. He went crazy on my ass over the phone and told me how stupid I am and wreckless and irresponsible. We've both been working equally hard at repairing our relationship. We have never shared a great one; I think my being gay has had a lot to do with it. The rest has had to do with me never feeling loved. He would buy me things in place of his love. My father would do mean and cruel things, even stretching to describe him as crazy and irrational at times would be acceptable. I never felt like I belonged in my home. Since last summer, when he pulled my health insurance because he was mad at me, I decided I couldn't trust him. When he does things like this, he buys me back. Or used to, rather. He would go out and get me some expensive gadget which I really didn't need. The only purpose it served was to cause envy among my peers.
But tonight, things were different. We've both been calling each other semi-regularly just to see what we're up to. Hell, he even shared his beer with me over Christmas break in Idaho. I thought we would have a long, into-the-night heart-to-heart conversation. It never came. I thought he would say, "Son, I'm so sorry about what I did and what I put you through." It never came. But tonight...he called me to see how everything is going. And he closed the conversation with, "I love you, son." He only calls me, "son," when he's serious about the topic. My heart...was moved. Since I've met my boyfriend, Marty, I have been deeply moved. I took a chance on love and opening my heart, as much as I have, to another individual. I've made myself vulnerable. But tonight...I was moved to a whole new place. I love my father, I always have. Even when I hated him. We're just different. And I've also learned that I have to own up to my own actions, which I think comes with becoming an adult.
I love you too, dad.
on The Power of Love